Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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