I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
