my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
