I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
