When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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