He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
