I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
