Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
