I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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