mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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