You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
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