No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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