you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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