The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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