she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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