When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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