If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Houston, we have a squirter
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
