He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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