I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
is that a dick in a sweater?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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