How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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