Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
