Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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