Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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