no, he came in my armpit
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
