if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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