Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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