Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
