Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize