When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
