The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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