His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
