He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
