Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
