dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
