You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
As shirtless as possible
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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