I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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