So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Semen is not good for contacts.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
