She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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