I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
