God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
