i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
