You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
