Who did Billy Mays play for?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
