seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
