You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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