dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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