My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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