My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
