I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
where are my pants?
in the oven.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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