I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize