i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
