I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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