you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
