I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
