Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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