Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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