He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
