Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
